i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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