Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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