Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
