Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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