Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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