Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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