So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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