He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
