Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
