I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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