Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
