I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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