Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
