Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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