So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
