You're so nebulous sometimes
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
