i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize