I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
