Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
