Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
