M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dear god my vagina.
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