We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
