If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
