when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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