Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
