Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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