i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
