he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
