My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
