I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
