Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
