Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I won the penis lottery.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm really busy with my period
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