Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
