): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
