God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
