i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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