Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
