you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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