He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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