ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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