It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
