...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize