The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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