He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
