I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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