My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
