I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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