i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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