My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
