I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
being pregnant is like rehab
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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