I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
