yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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