I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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