Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
