Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
