It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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